My Dad passed away when I was 21 Years Old
My dad passed away when I was 21 years old and I have recently learned that I tend to block horrible things in my life, out of my mind…..I have also learned recently that my Dad worshipped the ground I walked on, even though I had blocked his death out of my mind and only remembered the arguments that we had had previous to him becoming ill. For years I pondered over this….although sometimes I remembered flashbacks of him caring for me, for instance, I can remember him putting TCP on my grazed leg and bandaging it up…..believing me when I said ‘no’ I hadn’t pushed the neighbours daughter over and things like that….but somehow I had scrambled the rest up in my mind.
It was the Guilt in Me
I suppose it was the guilt in me…the remembering the lead up to my lovely Dad’s passing away and not cherishing the short time that we had been given together to be nice to each other, but arguing about silly teenage antics and spoiling everything that we had had…..remembering the bad times not the good. Well in the time that I have not blogged, I have been on a long journey into my past and have learnt many things about myself through the most amazing person that you would ever be lucky enough to meet – My Mum.
…You see after my dads death, we sort of drifted, I married Fred and had Daz and Rosie and although she looked after them and helped me with them as much as she could, we were still drifting, we could never properly communicate with each other, we were each waiting for the other to say something, but were both too stubborn to say it -what? I can hear you ask, but I really do not know – it was a kind of a hurt in our throats – a build up from all the anxiety, that had happened in the past – the rejection that my Mum had felt of my Dad leaving her so suddenly and then me getting married and leaving her too! and it was me feeling all rejected waiting for her to say I am so proud of you darling and her never actually saying it.
My Mum Met Reg a Few Years After
My mum met Reg a few years after my dad passed away – he has been so good to her, infact they have been together now for 17 years, and for a good 10 of them I was very cold towards him, I can understand the step child syndrome thing there, although I must admit I am not very proud to own up to that! (because I was in my twenties!!)…but I put it all down to being the only child and getting very possessive of ones parent! especially as I felt he was getting more attention than me! my mum has always been a good organiser and while I was having my kids, she threw her self into running a couple of clubs, organising trips and really making retired and widowed people feel like someone cared.
Whilst I have been away from my blog I have been staying with my mum, we have had a nasty couple of weeks wondering whether she might have the big ‘C’ and we have come through the most amazing journey together, I suppose we were preparing ourselves for the worst….and also I was preparing myself for history repeating itself again….all the things that I never said to her, like I LOVE YOU MUM and I AM SO PROUD OF YOU MUM and the wishing that she had said them to me too, because all my life I have lived trying to be better than everyone else – to be noticed! frightened of sinking into oblivion, wanting my mum to notice me and tell me that she was proud of ME too!…for if she had just said those words, it would have made everything perfect.
We Learned through those Couple of Weeks
We learned through those couple of weeks, that we both loved each other, that she was proud of me and I was definitely proud of her and we told each other so. We cried together, we cuddled, I sat next to her on the settee like I was 8 years old again (if only), we went shopping, we had meals out, we bought each other things and at the end of it all we were told she was going to be OK and I really cannot put into words how we felt….we felt invincible, we felt together, we felt beautiful, we were humbled.
We Had Found each other Again
We had found each other again. My lovely mum who had bought me up, made me the person that I am today, I had found her again and she had found me. She told me how my dad used to worship me, how she has always loved me, worried about me, all those little stories about my past that children love to hear, I loved her telling me….she told me about many many good times, we never focussed on the bad….we looked forward, we bonded.I am so glad that we have found each other again….we have planned a few things to do together, we will never leave each other out, of our lives so much again and although I couldn’t make a speech at her 70th birthday, I will definitely be making one at her 80th, telling her family and friends that I am such a proud daughter, she is the most amazing person that you would ever wish to meet, she is my hero and I love her with all my heart….Thank you Mum xx
What a lovely post. It made me feel so pleased that you have a good relationship with your Mum now. Don’t let her slip away again. Mums are so precious.
Thank you girls for all being so lovely about this post – I found it very therapeutic to write, I feel that by writing things down, helps me bundles – I read this blog to my mum the other day as she has internet probs, we were both in tears, but feel so much closer together now – I am so glad that we have found each other again…thankyou everyone for your kind words and I feel for you all that have lost parents – no matter what age you are its so sad – I love you all, luv happy @/*-*@ x
What a beautiful post. My mother died when my first child was just a few weeks old and it is my one regret that she didn’t live to see her grandchildren and see me as a mother. We had a difficult relationship too but somehow we were reconciled during my pregnancy. Good to hear that you and your mum are doing the same.Kimx
This was such a beautiful story. I read it twice!!!Amy
Good for you Hayley. So glad that you can look forward to a new relationship. A really moving story and so nice of you to share it.
blimey you made me cry! that was very moving. i’m so glad for you both that you’ve sorted things out.
What a lovely post. It does feel better now doesn’t it? I lost my father at the age of 13 and since the moment he died we talked. And now 20 years later it’s eay talking about him because we always have been. I learned from this to never block out bad things, mix them with the good things. I sometimes find myself angry because he died and he left us but 10 minutes later I’m lauging at the thought he was so good at making me laugh and that I’m so happy he gave me his sense of humor. I’m happy I have at least one parent left and try not to make it hard for her to be able to love me because it doesn’t make me get my father back. If you know what I mean ;o) I’m happy for you you’ve found your mother!
What a beautiful and moving story. I’m so happy for you that you and your mum reconnected. I love a good story with a happy ending (not that yours is over!). 🙂
Dear Hayley,I’m so pleased for you and your family…It’s a so lovely post.I wish you all the best and many,many fantastic time with your Mum for your future
What a great story you just told. I think it’s great that you and your Mum are once again talking and getting along. Childhood can be painful but we really should enjoy our parents cause they are the only ones we are gonna get.
I had a tear reading this post.How lucky and blessed you both are to have had this special time together.It’s never too late, and the special bond you share will only get stronger.I miss my Mum…we are at opposite end of Australia, and she and my Dad (who is turning 80 tomorrow) mean the world to me.BTW ~ i have a tendancy to do what you described with blocking things out in my mind. I think it might be some sort of coping mechanism.Take care, and happy days to you.
Simple and beautiful, like everything you do.
Oh wow, thank you SO much for sharing. It’s the best thing in the world to get over the hurt and reconnect with a parent. I’m glad I did before my dad passed away at the shockingly young age of 64. I’m waiting for my daughter and her dad to get to the same point. Thank you for giving me hope. *sniff*
What an absolutely beautiful thing to happen for both of you. I am tingling all over in your joy! I’m so glad something so frightening ended with such goodness.
This was wonderful…and I am so glad everything checked out o.k. for your mom!
This is really lovely. God bless you both for having these realizations while there is still time.Karla
What a blessing for you both to have found each other as adults. It’s a rare and special gift… As you well know.
Wow I am so pleased for you both and for Fred and your children. Good luck for the future
I’m having to hold back the tears having read that. What a beautiful post. I’m so pleased for you that you and your Mum have re-connected.